ENMESHMENT: How This Accusation Can Hurt Your Custody Trial

Enmeshment:  A Complex Legal Matter

Going to court to have custody resolved?   If you are involved in a high conflict case, or divorcing a narcissist,  get ready to see and hear the term enmeshment in your court documents. It’s trending.

The courts are consistently taxed with assessing parental behaviors and determining the best interest of the child, a task that can take many months or years to unpack.   Matters before the courts can be complex and convoluted. This is the nature of family law and adds to the time and frequency of court appearances. Enmeshment is a common concern the courts deal with and are often an overlapping factor when the courts see alienation claims. (the dynamics of alienation are addressed in another blog).

But wait. Can your ex-spouse make claims of enmeshment, even if they are unfounded? Yes, they can. And the high conflict co-parent often does. This is family law, where words become weapons and the judge must wade through the pile of accusations in an effort to sort out some level of truth. Not an easy task.

Although you have NO control over what the other party claims or adds to their court docket, you can and should educate yourself on terminology and perspective so you can make choices that that won’t allow the allegations to stick, if and when they are presented to the courts.

Are you ready to unpack? Let’s go.

8 Factors that Can Play Into a Court's Determination of Enmenshment 

Enmeshment is described by the courts as complex and can have many factors to it.  In short enmeshment is parallel to toxic attachment.  The lines between parent and child become blurred.   It’s important to note that enmeshment does not have a definitive test, making it subjective by court ordered professionals and those taxed at doing reviews of child custody and determination of best interest. Using of the word enmeshed is often cited as a criterion for alienation and therefore, the terms may have some overlapping and unclear boundaries.

Studies, however, show some parenting patterns that are common among high conflict cases that use enmeshment as a criterion for gaining custody or increased access times.

1. The unhealthy parent or the overly engaged parent may refer to the child as a “best friend” blurring the boundaries of the parenting role.

  Research shows that the courts don’t like hearing this. A parent may think that being a child’s companion and best friend indicates a special bond. It doesn’t. The courts want a parent to be a parent……. Set boundaries and offer guidance and support. Telling the courts that you and your child are ‘best friends’ is a red flag.

 2. Worse still is when the child refers to the parent as a “best friend”.   The courts want a child to have outside interests, friends and extracurricular activities that are independent from the parent. And emotional attachment to peers of their own age.

3.  It would seem the reason the courts find enmeshment concerning is because

the level of enmeshment can often be observed as emotionally damaging to the child. 

In an extreme case before the courts B.T.R. v. U.A., 2014 BCSC 1012 (CanLII) a judge writes “T’s writing on a drawing to her mother that if her mother got a boyfriend the child would kill herself was a serious indicator of enmeshment.”   These kind of statements show extreme, dangerous and unhealthy attachment to a parent.

4. Similarly when a child makes a statement such as “I love you more than my own life”, courts, understandably, see serious concerns for the child’s long term mental health.

5. Enmeshment is viewed by the courts as toxic attachment

and are likely to leave a child feeling overly responsible for her parent’s negative emotional state such as sadness or anger and when a child feels they have caused unhappiness, the child feels guilty. Guilt, especially for a child, is a big burden to carry and can have long-term consequences on self-esteem. Guilt makes a child feel unworthy and shameful.

6. Common in the court cases that involve claims of enmeshment, a judge will take note of when parents share “adult material” with a child…. Especially as it relates to court proceedings. This is BIG “no-go” zone for the family court judges and when these allegations are proven true, the judges make no bones about expressing the emotional damage that this causes to a child and there is often a warning to the parents or an order to cease the sharing of court material.

7. When

a child becomes the confidant of the parent

the parent might not realize the emotional burden they are placing on their child. But the courts see this and it works against the parent in custody situations. Read that again.

8. Sleeping with your child? You may want to rethink that if enmeshment claims are being made against you. 

 Although a parent may see this as a way to comfort and support a child during the stressful period of divorce, this can be viewed by a judge as a characteristic of enmeshment, rightly or wrongly. It would seem that the older the child is, the less appropriate the courts find this.

Enmeshment is viewed by the courts as emotional manipulation and that’s never a good thing when standing before a judge fighting for custody of a child. Understanding the viewpoint of the way the judges examine the evidence before them, can help you to make better choices. Your words and actions matter. Even if it seems like the high conflict abuser gets away with an unlimited number of chances to make things right…. but continue to make poor choices.   UUGH.

Your job as a healthy parent is to make consistent and conscious choices to put the well-being of your child front and center.

That is what the courts are supposed to be acting upon. The best interest of the child is the #1 mandate of the courts, so be prepared to present that you are doing that. Watch for red flag behaviors and avoid them. This is the best and sometimes the only way to keep your child in your care.

Remember: You are stronger than you think and education is the best way to avoid the pitfalls of divorcing the high conflict individual.

LEGAL NOTE: This material contained in this blog is subject to international copyright protection under the Canadian Copyright Act R.S.C., 1985, c. C-42. It is illegal to use the material contained within without giving credit to Lorraine Lawson of Spin Divorce Coaching Services. Thank you for complying with this notice.