PARENT ALIENATION: The Dangerous and Slippery Road Ahead

A Weapon in the High Conflict Divorce 

 Parent alienation is one of the most controversial topics in family law throughout the world. So much so that the United Nations Human Rights Office of the Commissioner is calling for input on custody cases involving claims of alienation. (current as of December 2022). As the spotlight is shone on this topic and studies are conducted on how the courts handle this claim, the confusion and attention grow. Is it a weapon of divorce? A Syndrome? Or a description of a set of behaviors?

As a high conflict divorce coach, I cannot claim to be an ‘expert’ on parental alienation nor can give legal advice on the topic. But I have done countless hours of research on the topic to assist parents who are falsely being accused of being an alienator.   What I am finding is very unnerving.  This blog will help you

unpack the confusion around this topic and give the reader a better understanding of how NOT to find yourself combating claims of parent alienation in the family court system.

According to Wikipedia 

"Parental alienation is a theorized process through which a child becomes estranged from one parent as the result of the psychological manipulation of another parent. The child's estrangement may manifest itself as fear, disrespect or hostility toward the distant parent, and may extend to additional relatives or parties.The child's estrangement is disproportionate to any acts or conduct attributable to the alienated parent. Parental alienation can occur in any family unit, but is claimed to occur most often within the context of family separation, particularly when legal proceedings are involved, although the participation of professionals such as lawyers, judges and psychologists may also contribute to conflict.

Proponents of the concept of parental alienation assert that it is primarily motivated by one parent's desire to exclude the other parent from their child's life. Some assert that parental alienation should be diagnosable in children as a mental disorder. Some propose that parental alienation be recognized as a form of child abuse or family violence. They assert that parental alienation creates stress on the alienated parent and the child, and significantly increases the child's lifetime risk of mental illness. (see hyperlinks at the end of blog)

This differs from the controversial

Parent Alienation Syndrome theory, which has been debunked for lacking credibility and been removed from psychology journals around the world. 

Yet, PAS, as it is often referred to, or the concepts contained within are misguidedly alive and well in the family courts around the world.  (see wikipedia link at end of blog)  

Research shows that although the definition of parent alienation differs, there are some commonalities when comparing the wide range of interpretations.

Alienation is a severe form of domestic abuse by proxy.  

The Top 10 Characteristics of cases where parent alienation is found to be obvious and flagrant are as follows:

1. It is intentional 
2. It is hostile and occurs over an extended period of time.
3. Created by design to inflict permanent damage on the child/parent relationship and can include telling the child to not speak about the other parent or preventing communication with the other parent 
4. Leaves the child with an altered view of the “other (rejected) parent” causing the child to develop an extreme dislike and/or fear towards that parent, a viewpoint that is unwavering and one that the child did not previously have
5. Involves fabricated and/or exaggerated claims by the alienating (preferred) parent against the rejected parent
6. Involves a child being coached to do things that harm the rejected parent such as ‘spy’ on them and report back to the preferred parent 
7. Occurs in the absence of abuse by the alienated parent.  (IMPORTANT)
8. Becomes a tool to seek revenge on the other parent, often in an effort to reduce child support (monetary gain) or a combination of the two.
9.  Results in the child’s refusal to see the alienated parent and often include the extended family of the alienated parent.
10. Can involve kidnapping and unconsented relocation of the child.

The confusion arises when parties to a motion, professionals and the courts blur the lines and start using the word “alienating, alienated” when describing behaviors that should otherwise be characterized by better terminology such as

restrictive gatekeeping, 

enmeshment

realistic estrangement 

 justified rejection 

There are many reasons why a child would choose not to have a relationship with a parent. The most obvious is when there is abuse in the family, either towards the non-alienating parent or the child itself.

Abuse justifies a child to feel fear of a parent and becomes a valid reason for a child to reject a parent.

The abuse may or may not be inflicted directly on the child. Witnessing physical abuse (hitting) or emotional abuse (screaming, threatening or name calling) of the other parent can and often does as much harm to a child as when the child is the target of the abuse.

Less obvious, but equally valid from the viewpoint of the child are poor parental choices, which lead to justified rejection.

Some examples I have seen researching family law cases are

• A parent uses crude and insulting language for wearing clothing that the parent finds inappropriate
• A child witnesses verbal and or physical abuse against a parent
• A parent making a “scene” in public during a sporting event that creates shame and embarrassment for the child.
• A child sees his parent badmouthing or posting on social media about the other parent.
• A child is forced to call the step parent “Mom” or “Dad” and the biological parent is assigned an alternative title

Justified rejection or realistic estrangement

(more or less synonyms) becomes permanently anchored if the parent creating the conflict fails to recognize or accept their behavior as ‘wrong’ and fails to take corrective steps to repair any damage of the relationship. I have seen judges write statements similiar to:

1.  The parent refuses to accept that they have done anything wrong to damage the relationship with the child
2. The parent refuses to take steps to repair the relationship such as apologize to the child
3. The parent is refusing to attend counselling to address their anger towards the ‘other parent’
4. The parent has only taken one parenting class

When a child is experiencing justified rejection or realistic estrangement the judges often refer to this as an “alienated” child.  Exhibits in the courts, often use the terms interchangeably, confusing "estranged" and "alienated",  and giving validity to a growing trend where parents come before the courts claiming that their child has been alienated from them when the circumstances don't even come close to meeting the 10 criteria set above. 

 Parent alienation, a severe form of prolonged emotional and psychological abuse, should only be used in the most extreme circumstances because all the remedies to such are also extreme. 

The Courts and Realistic Estrangement

If your child is experiencing realistic estrangement, will your be allowed to hold their viewpoint?   That depends on the judge. And their age.  

Best Interests of the child

Judges are tasked with balancing “best interest of the child” in jurisdictions where this is mandated by the courts. But this mandate is not always written into the rules or statutes.  Some countries hold ‘best interest’ as the ONLY determining factor, others not so much.  The ‘not so much’ countries or states often

view the rights of the parents to have equal parenting time as the primary determining factor to consider… even over and above the best interest of the child and even in situations of past and proven abuse.  

In countries, like Canada, where the "best interest of the child is the only test", judges take different viewpoints of past and present events and evidence which affect the orders that they make when a child is estranged from a parent.   Upon undergoing lengthy study of cases held in Canada on the topic, I have seen judges

• order joint therapy in an attempt to repair the damaged relationship.
• accept the viewpoint of the child as valid and order custody accordingly.
• dismiss claims of why the child does not want to spend time with the other parent in their entirety, label them as fabricated, and award custody to the parent who the claims have been made against.

Anything can happen in family court. It is always a risk. 

Moving to examine the courts perception of what behaviours in a child are indicative of being a victim of alienation. This list, although not exhaustive, is an indicator of what characteristics a court may look for and observe in a child.

They include

• Extreme and unchangeable views of the child. One parent is all good. The other all bad.
• Profound lack of courtesy and respect for the alienated parent which can include name-calling and profanity
• Child expresses no hope or desire for reconciliation
• Child takes on the role of the protector for the alienating parent, viewing them as the victim
• Child rejects the extended family of the alienated parent
• The child expresses no remorse or guilt over their hatred of the parent and views it as justified
• The child is adamant that their viewpoint is theirs and theirs alone and denies any influence from the alienating parent.

What Options Do the Courts Have When They Find “Alienation”?

 Some of the options the courts have at their disposal are for remedy are:

1.  Do nothing and leave the child with their preferred parent. This is more likely to occur when the child is older and, in their teen’s, as in this case the courts are forced to consider the possibility of the child rebelling and running away.    
2. A reversal or modification of custody. If the preferred parent has partial or full custody, the judge can alter this in favor of the rejected parent.
3. Leave the child with the preferred parent and order reunification therapy.
4. Remove the child to a “neutral” third-party provider for intense intervention with the ultimate goal of returning the child to the rejected parent. This option involves reunification camps that are very controversial as they often involve transport agents, physical restraining and traumatization of the child.
5. A combination of trying 3(reunification therapy) and if it fails, reverting to a combination of 2(reversal of custody) and 4(3rd party reunification camps)

 The problem with all these “remedies” are that each and every one of them further creates trauma to the child. A child that has already been mentally abused. For years.

Yet, even in the most egregious and obvious cases of alienation, the abuser is not held accountable. (except to possibly be forced to pay the reunification costs). Parent alienation may be abuse, but it is not dealt with in criminal court.  Psychology Today calls it a "Crime but not an arrestable offense."  The child pays the price of this form of domestic violence, emotional and psychological in nature, and the abuser, in many cases walks away exempt from any recourse.  

Falsified Claims of Parental Alienation: The Elephant in the Room

A further dilemma exists when a hostile or abusive parent falsely claims that they, themselves are the victim of PA.

It is well-documented in legal literature that the courts are loosening the criteria for parental alienation, some justifiably worry this is being done by design. This trend to confuse the characteristics of PA is dangerous to the foundation of the Family Justice System. Courts are rewarding custody to parents that are proven abusers, based on findings on alienation instead of more accurately defining the situation as justified rejection or realistic estrangement.  This is happening around the world and is devastating to healthy parents and children alike.   The courts at times are separating the issues of previous domestic violence (abuse) and alienation and treating them as separate or unrelated issues, which they most certainly are not. 

In that way, they are looking at only some of the criteria, and disregarding the rest. This divide and conquer mentality is a tool that lawyer’s who represent abusers who claim alienation, use in the hopes of convincing the judge to land on an unjustified result.  Trends show that mothers who claim abuse are met with a significantly increased chance of losing custody: twice as likely, according to Forbes.  (link below).   

The problem is that so many people are taking about parent alienation in a misguided sense, confusing the term with gatekeeping and estrangement without understanding the devastating outcome to the child IF the courts make a ruling of PA.  

The Argument Against Unlinking or Dismissing Claims of Abuse

Let's consider a child who is preferring to stay away from a toxic, unhealthy and/or abusive parent. How can this possibly be perceived as PA if the 10 characteristics test is not applied? The child in this case depending on their perception, is trying to preserve themselves. 

Other questions need to be asked. Is the child unwavering, unregretful and full of disdain/hatred towards their other parent? Has the child adamantly denied any chance of the parent rectifying the situation with apology, counselling or therapy? How long has the child refused to see the parent? Does the child also reject the extended family? Is the parent making the accusation on target to benefit from a positive label of PA? If yes, does that parent show other behaviors that exhibit post separation abuse? IS THERE A LONG STANDING PATTERN? If there is not, only

judges who are well-verses in this topic will be alerted to the sudden nature and possible ulterior motives to the PA claims and act accordingly.  

What about a teenager who is acting like a human porcupine? Should PA be found when a teenager is sometimes, but not always, acting aggressively towards a parent? What if that same teenager is sometimes, but not always, choosing to not visit a parent? When does normal teenage rebellion: pushing and testing boundaries and trying to find their way in a complex and confusing world become PA? Without applying the criteria, judges and court professionals can arrive at the wrong conclusion.  

Alienation cannot be looked at without looking at the past behaviors of a parent or the current circumstances of the child's state of mind.  These factors cannot be separated but often are.  Does one parent have a history of being domestically violent (domestic violence is not just physical… it includes financial abuse, intimidation and coercive control) and/or abusive towards the other parent? But now they are claiming they are the victim of alienation?   Caution needs to be exercised in the presence of alarming red flags.

Many who wish to use alienation as a tool of parental weaponization or contol, are successfully blurring the boundaries and confusing the issues before the courts.  This is a DARVO techniques (see DARVO blog), something that high conflict parents with narcissistic tendencies are utilizing to gain favor in family court, wherein they try to paint themselves as the victim while denying or justifying their own actions.

Why do the family courts not look at intent as they do in civil and criminal courts? A parent who is gate keeping to keep their child safe, is not alienating.  Why are mother’s losing custody for doing what a parent SHOULD do?

A parent guilty of being enmeshed (blurring the boundaries of parent/child relations in favor of becoming best friends) may not be acting as a court would prefer to see the parent…. But is this a case of PA? Not unless the other criteria are present.  They may be misguided but this does not mean they are willfully and intentionally harming their child to completely and irreversibly destroy the relationship between the child and the other parent as a means of exacting revenge on an ex-spouse.

Let’s stop blurry the lines between willful destruction of a co-parent by using the child as a pawn and confusing them with other unhealthy parenting behaviors. Let’s use parent alienation only if and criteria fits.  The stakes are too high. And our kids are paying the price.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_alienation 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_alienation_syndrome

https://www.forbes.com/sites/naomicahn/2020/01/26/why-women-lose-custody/?sh=62b522374641

https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/social-issues/a-gendered-trap-when-mothers-allege-child-abuse-b...