PARENTAL GATEKEEPING: The Confusion is Real

 Let’s try to make sense of the what constitutes parental gatekeeping in the family law system.  Keep in mind that I am not a lawyer, or psychologist and I look at this issue from my perspective as a researcher and high-conflict divorce coach.

 Parental gatekeeping is a widely interpreted form of judging how a parent interacts with the ‘other parent’ regarding a shared child.

There are 2 types of gatekeeping:

1. Facilitative gatekeeping (Positive) and

2. Restrictive gatekeeping (Negative).

As the name indicates, facilitative gatekeeping (a somewhat contrary and confusing  terminology) is positive and respectful co-parenting which recognizes the contribution of the other parent in a child’s life. Parents who adapt to this form of cooperative co-parenting may not always agree, but they work together to arrive at solution-based results. Positive gatekeeping is sometimes referred to when a parent is protecting a child from harm or abuse.

Restrictive gatekeeping, on the contrary, is labelled as such when parents engage in attitudes and behaviors that restrict, control or manipulate the other parent from enjoying parenting time. This is the kind of negative gatekeeping you may experience or be accused of if you are divorcing a high-conflict individual with narcissistic traits. The narcissist does NOT work to arrive at solution-based results. They operate to create havoc, maintain control and cause harm in many cases. And accusing their ex-spouse of doing exactly what they, themselves, are engaging is, all fits well within their modus operandi.

The Most Important Factor to Consider In Co-Parenting

One of the strongest mandates of the family court system in its current form, is to see mutually supportive parenting and coparenting behaviors. Working against this mandate is often one of the main reasons parents lose custody, in an otherwise healthy parent situation. Said another way, the

courts have a very low tolerance for failing to allow or interfering with the other parent’s time with their children.

 This creates a very difficult situation when the other parent is high-conflict, harmful, neglectful or has other tendencies of an unhealthy parent such as addictions and substance abuse issues. Watching a child endure years of manipulation, gaslighting and abuse at the hands of an unhealthy parent, naturally brings the protective instinct out in the healthy parent ….. yet, this often results in the courts making custody orders against a parent who is accused of gatekeeping.  

 There is a delicate balance at play here. And one that often sees the healthy parent treading carefully while feeling caught between a rock and a hard place.

3 Difficult Facts to Unpack About Gate-keeping

 1. Timing and consistency can make a difference. Literature on gate-keeping, including the study of published court documents, shows that

there is a high tolerance for dysfunctional parenting during the early stages of divorce.

Divorce is dysregulating and chaotic, especially in the beginning stages. The courts, frustratingly, allow for a high degree of toxic parenting early on in divorce. Often, it is only after many years of the same toxic parenting, when patterns are established, that the courts decide they should step in. The healthy parent is equally feeling unsupported during these times and desperate to protect their child from what they perceive (sometimes with very good reason) as abuse.   The healthy parents in these situations will control to attempt to control access to the unhealthy parent. In time, if this continues, the courts will be willing to look at, label and act on resistive gatekeeping.

 2.Gatekeeping has traditionally been viewed by the courts and still remains primarily a “Mother” problem. Some recent

literature suggests that the viewpoint on gatekeeping should be broadened to involve both parents

and is perhaps NOT as one-sided as previous viewpoints suggest. For now, it remains one of the few aspects of family law assigned almost exclusively to the female gender.

 3.Gatekeeping is often confused, intertwined, and incorrectly referred to as Parental Alienation

(domestic abuse by proxy) by professionals that fail to understand the distinct differences and the varying severity of the two. They are not the same in their fundamental intentions.  

In the absence of abuse, the gatekeeper may be unhelpful, overly protective and challenging to deal with the intention of making themselves feel superior and in control. The alienator has a different intention: one that is designed to permanently and irreversibly destroy the relationship between child and parent, as a tool of revenge. They plan and carry out their goals over a long and extended period of time, often with the help of others and have little to no regards of the residual damage done to the child.  

What Actions MIGHT the Courts Assign the Label of Gatekeeping to?

•  Being rigid in parenting time plan without good reason
•  Not taking phone calls of the other parent
•  Not responding to email/texts of the other parent at all or in a timely manner
•  Interfering with parenting time by making intrusive attempts to contact the child
•  Withholding of information regarding the child like school events or report cards
•  Failing to assist the parent when the parent asks for help in order to set them up to fail (often with young children)
•  Waiting until the last minute to notify the parent of some event involving the child
•  Keeping a child beyond parenting time
•  Making contrary plans to entice the child away from an already scheduled event with the other parent
•  Leaving a custody exchange location because a parent is a few minutes late and cancelling the visit
•  Giving the child a different last name than the biological parent (severe)
•   Moving away to create distance between the parent/child, sometimes without notice (severe)
•   Manufacturing harm to limit the other parents contact with the child (severe)
•   Many more…

avoiding gatekeeping accusations can be relatively easy if there is a respectful relationship with the other parent

and the parent is choosing the best interest of the child. But only IF the other parent is not abusive or setting them up to fail.  

In abusive situations, where a parent needs to stick to a schedule because of past problematic behaviors or needs to not answer the phone/email because it is the 20th phone call of the day and an explosive rant is the norm….. the line of appropriate co-parenting conduct and self-preservation gets blurry.

 This is where a journal or other form of regular documentation is essential.   This would be your most important tool of protection and the best way to dismantle false claims of gatekeeping.

LEGAL NOTE: This material contained in this blog is subject to international copyright protection under the Canadian Copyright Act R.S.C., 1985, c. C-42. It is illegal to use the material contained within without giving credit to Lorraine Lawson of Spin Divorce Coaching Services. Thank you for complying with this notice.