The Narcissistic Abuser in the Courts

 As the abuser pushes their way through the system, they have a mandate to WIN.   Everything. Every time. They play the long game, pushing the pieces along step by step, forcing the healthy parent into negotiations and settlements that are harmful for the best interest of the healthy parent and the child.

 Even when the unhealthy parent doesn’t “WIN”, they ignore court orders and find a work-around to get back in front a judge again . For them, this is a number’s game.  

It only takes ONE JUDGE to undo all the previous orders that have been granted.   So, the parent with narcissistic tendencies keep trying….. always hoping to find the ONE time they can win, setting the entire family court matter back to square one.

 The parent with narcissistic tendencies has 3 mandates…..

 1. To Financially come out on top.

2. Seek revenge by causing emotional, physical and financial harm.

3. Power and Control

So What Can You Do???

SPIN stands for SIGNIFICANT PLANNING IS NECESSARY.

PLANNING

The first step of planning to divorce a high conflict personality is to

1. ASSESS

 Assessing your soon-to-be-ex (STBX)  from a place of clarity is the BEST way to be able to equip yourself with the tools you will need to navigate the treacherous waters of the Family Court System.  The more high-conflict the individual you are divorcing is, the more strategic you need to be in the early steps you take.    

 Divorce takes you from one time-period in your life to another. Sometimes it is easier to think of it as a journey from an old life to a new life. The key is to understand the path that you will take and make no mistakes, some paths are easier than others.

I find it easiest to think of divorcing as mountain climbing. Its not something you may have ever planned on doing in your lifetime, but for one reason of another its happening. There you are standing at the foot of a mountain and you have to get to the top.

The problem is that divorcing someone who has narcissistic tendencies is like mountain climbing while having rocks pelted at you. You NEED to know the likelihood of having this occur.

 2. NAVIGATE THE PATH AHEAD  

 Hiring a divorce coach is like having a map in your hand. It may not be necessary but this one small action can set you up on the right path early.   The skilled divorce coach has climbed the mountain or at least part of it and can bring awareness of the dangers ahead and help you get an overall picture of the journey ahead. The divorce coach helps you outfit yourself with the right equipment. And helps you to mentally prepare for the lengthy journey of navigating the unknown.   Don’t underestimate the importance of your state of mind, divorce is one of life’s most challenging events. Feeling supported and knowing someone is in your corner can be a game-changer. Knowing where you are going is essential.

 3. HIRE A LAWYER

 You will often see lawyer advertisements that say “GET THE GUIDANCE YOU NEED”.   Think about that.   The lawyer is your guide, your strategic partner and one that will help you navigate the complexities of the family law system. Having the right lawyer dramatically increases your chances of getting to the top of the mountain without careening off the edge.

 When divorcing someone with narcissistic tendencies, not just any guide will do. You need someone who has successfully navigated the terrain of the high-conflict divorce and has a track record of navigating their clients safely and swiftly.   One wrong move in the early stages of divorce, can have devastating consequences and can take years to unwind, if it can be unwound at all.   Sometimes you end up battered and bruised, adding to the already stressful event.

 A divorce coach helps you ask the right questions and helps to assist you in getting the right guide early in the divorce process, saving you time and money.

*** But a divorce coach can also help you to CONFLICT OUT lawyers of concern that your STBX may employ in their weaponization of the family court system against you.

 4.  SAFEGUARDING

 The ex-spouse with narcissistic tendencies will take action that are designed to cause harm and inflict damage to weaken you and gain advantage.

SAFEGUARDING includes taking steps that

A) PREVENT - Studying high conflict personalities in family court, shows clean patterns of behavior and actions that are often employed by them.   KNOWING these patterns empowers you to take preventative steps to ensure that their actions do not cause significant harm. It is often much more difficult and expensive to unwind damage that has already occurred than it is to prevent it.

 Some preventative steps that often need to be employed include things like

1. learning to communicate in a way that not assist the unhealthy parent from making false claims against you

2. Gathering paperwork and keeping it in a safe place prior to exiting the marriage.

3. Pre-planning to have some financial resources available for food/shelter/transportation/legal

 B) PROTECT - Safeguarding yourself from a narcissistic personality can sadly lead to needing protection from physical and emotional harm.  

Protective steps may include

1. The need to change locks and install cameras

2. Have a 3rd person available for visitation exchanges to keep you safe both from threats and false claims against you

3. Involving police and other social services such as shelters

4. May involve moving to a safer location

 C) PARTNERSHIP -Navigating the high conflict divorce often requires an array of services that can include

 1. Therapy/counselling for yourself and your children

2. Financial Experts

3. Custody Evaluators

4. Mediators

 And this list can be extensive.   Each and every one of these experts adds significant cost to the legal bills but at times are necessary.

REMEMBER:  The services you choose to hire are part of YOUR team and if you find their values and mandate is in opposition to the well-being to you and your children, it is your job to kindly ask them to step aside. It is too important to delay or tip-toe around people who are working against you.